Author Archive
LOVE, The Magical Change Agent
Posted by: | CommentsYou may be very good at seeing the faults of your partner. I’m sure you wish that he or she would be different, and don’t understand why they cannot or will not change.
In fact, you have spent so much time contemplating this, that you have made yourself miserable. Not coincidentally, and possibly unknowingly, you have also contributed to your partner feeling miserable about themselves, not to mention you and your relationship.
Of course you wish to change some annoying or painful behavior about your partner that you imagine contributes to your unhappiness. This is normal. And most likely you are unsuccessful in getting them to change. Even if you are justified in your belief that your partner SHOULD change, they would probably find changing difficult. They might possibly, even secretly, wish they could change as well. They might even feel ashamed about it, even if they tell you differently.
You must ask yourself how your negative contemplation of their “faulty behavior” is affecting you. The more you think about it, the more outraged you feel, and the more disconnected from your loved one. Your chronic outrage is like a poison to your mind and emotions. You are left with an attitude that hurts them as well as yourself. As you can see, the chances of them changing that “faulty behavior” decreases with this approach. You also become more and more miserable, and the warmth and connection between you diminishes dramatically. Read More→
Letters, We Get Letters(about Relationships…)
Posted by: | CommentsHi Joel,
I was wondering if you could give me any advice on dealing with jealousy in a relationship? I love my partner and for a lot of the same reasons that I love him I tend to get insanely jealous over stupid things. I’m working with myself on a lot of things in particular that seem to come completely naturally to him, but I have a hard time not getting bitter about it. I know my bitterness 
is misplaced, so I try to repress it and then it ends up coming out some other time, causing some completely ridiculous argument. I know that I could sit down and list all my good traits or have him point out what he admires about me, but I wish I could just get my mind to stop comparing us all together.
Hiya Dear,
Thanks for writing so honestly on a topic we can all relate to. Here are some thoughts about your situation. Feel free to ask more if needed.
Most of us partner with someone who has different skills and qualities than we do. What they can naturally and easily do well, we may have to work really hard to accomplish, if we even want to put our energy into those endeavors. Even then we may not ever reach their skill level. Usually, we too, have areas of natural expertise that our partners may find difficult for themselves. Hopefully we don’t downplay those too much!
Sometimes, in a couple, one person is more of a “glass half empty” type (like me) and looks more at what’s missing. The other is often more a “glass half full” person, and seems to pay more attention to their wholeness. When our focus is more on “where we’re not” it’s easier to feel bad in comparison to another. “Glass half fullers” (like Kate) don’t tend to go there, at least not in the light of day. Read More→
Grow Your Love
Posted by: | CommentsWe wanted to give you a head’s up, in case you missed it in the magazine, on a real good article from Yoga Journal entitled Grow Your Love. Lots of wisdom from a solid handful of couples (yours truly included) who share the similarities and useful awarenesses between the practice of Yoga and the journey of Relationship.
Here is a little snippet to whet your appetite:
“It’s no secret that relationships require work, but, as in yoga, you can find a happy balance between effort and ease when you apply your awareness. “A lot of people feel like, ‘If you loved me, we wouldn’t have to work at this,’” Feldman says, but he thinks that’s an unrealistic attitude. The trick,when it feels like too much effort, is to find more ease. To help couples with this, Feldman and his wife help their clients discover “love rituals”—small gestures practiced up to three times a day for two to three minutes at a time—so they can reconnect with the partner as a source of pleasure rather than pain.”
Hope you enjoy!
The Miracle of Personal Development by Jim Rohn
Posted by: | CommentsI came across this in my in-box today, and it touched me so deeply that I wanted to share it with all of my friends. Gotta love Jim Rohn! What I believe is that it is also true of relationships, in fact you could just substitute the word “relationship” for either “job” or “income” and it would fit perfectly. I’m interested in your thoughts about this…..what’s your experience?
One day my mentor Mr. Shoaff said, “Jim, if you want to be wealthy and happy, learn this lesson well: Learn to work harder on yourself than you do on your job.” Since that time I’ve been working on my own personal development. And I must admit that this has been the most challenging assignment of all. This business of personal development lasts a lifetime.
You see, what you become is far more important than what you get. The important question to ask on the job is not, “What am I getting?” Instead, you should ask, “What am I becoming?” Getting and becoming are like Siamese twins: What you become directly influences what you get. Think of it this way: Most of what you have today you have attracted by becoming the person you are today.
I’ve also found that income rarely exceeds personal development. Sometimes income takes a lucky jump, but unless you learn to handle the responsibilities that come with it, it will usually shrink back to the amount you can handle. If someone hands you a million dollars, you’d better hurry up and become a millionaire. A very rich man once said, “If you took all the money in the world and divided it equally among everybody, it would soon be back in the same pockets it was before.”
It is hard to keep that which has not been obtained through personal development.
So here’s the great axiom of life: To have more than you’ve got, become more than you are. This is where you should focus most of your attention. Otherwise, you just might have to contend with the axiom of not changing, which is: Unless you change how you are, you’ll always have what you’ve got.
What to Do When You’re Upset With Me ?
Posted by: | CommentsKate and I highly value a skill we call “Self Soothing” because we know that our partners, family members and friends are virtually guaranteed to trigger age-old reactions in us. Of this we can be certain. In order to create a safe space for our closest relations to let us know what happened, we must be willing to listen carefully to “their world” or their perspective on what happened. This is one of what we call the “willful practices” on the path of relationship. When we can’t hold onto ourselves, we are bound to interrupt our partner and usually kick-off another round of defensive behavior that often devolves into the blame game, you know how it goes, “I’m right, you’re wrong, here’s why”.
I was feeling poetic and penned this little self reminder this morning. Hope it’s helpful.
You’re upset…I can breathe and relax…
And let you be upset…And breathe some more….
And try to feel your pain, even if it’s me you’re upset with…
I can relax….And hear about what’s upsetting you…
I don’t need to defend myself…I don’t need to justify my behavior…
I can breathe and just be with you…In your upset….
I may have defensive thoughts from time to time…But you still are not wrong… Read More→
Tantra: The Spice of Life and Relationships
Posted by: | CommentsJust back home after an October colors trip to the Northeast to present a workshop at Kripalu entitled Sex, Pleasure and Intimacy. We had just a wonderful time exploring the “ins and outs” of the topic with honesty, sensitivity and humor. What an absolute treat to have such open discussions about this forbidden topic. So helpful and reassuring, our common humanity on display without shame. Beautiful, b
eautiful people.
I was left with a desire to live my life in an even more “Tantric” way. Tantra is a form of Yoga that emphasizes the transcendent possibilities of an increase in sensual awareness. Somehow, along the years, Tantra got placed in a box labeled Esoteric Sex and wound up with somewhat of a tarnished reputation. I believe that Tantra practice in our daily lives can be a great help in awakening our consciousness.
Here’s my simplistic take on the matter. Tantra is all about drawing the most satisfaction possible out of every moment. For most of us these days, that requires a great slowing down in order to become available to experience the fullness of the moment. A terrific support in slowing down is breath awareness. Sensitizing ourselves to the naturally calming flow of breath usually helps us relax, slow down and increase our ability to focus on anything. Read More→
There Are No “Little Things” in Relationship!
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For better or for worse, the “little things” in relationships, both good and bad, matter more than we’d like to believe. We’ve spoken before on this blog about our belief that daily life IS foreplay for couples. We know that large, regular doses of kindness offered to our partner make for great connection and intimacy. Continuing to water and feed the garden of our relationship is critical.
But there is another grouping of “Little Things” that we all must pay attention to… the Weeds! In honor of Summer, it seems appropriate to look at what our love interests have in common with our gardens. Weeding our relationship garden is critical. Weeds not dealt with can wreak havoc on those wonderful plants we’ve been cultivating for a while. We have one in particular that attaches itself to other plants and gradually chokes the life out of them. Can you see where I’m going with this? I see it every day in my office; “small” problems or conflicts left unattended gradually suck the juice out of the relationship.
Believe me, I pull a lot of weeds out of our flower gardens. The problem is, many times I don’t get the whole root and they just grow back again. In our relationships, the weeds or frustrations we experience also have deeper roots. Without getting at these our conflicts simply return again and again in one form or another. They’ve been doing that our entire lives. There are no magic carpets we can sweep them under or weed killers that take care of the problem long term. “If we don’t deal, we can’t heal”. It’s an ongoing project. Read More→
Relationship Guessing Games
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You should’ve known”
“How could you not know…after all this time”
“What did you assume I meant?”
Trouble, trouble and more trouble. Expectations and assumptions….place them in the cupboard labeled Recipes for Disaster, or, to be more precise….. Love Killers. Shoulds (the S word) are like weeds that commonly thrive in even the best of relationship gardens. Dig one up, two more arrive the next day. “I mean, if I can’t expect you to come through for me, who can I?” And the answer is (drumrollllllllllll) “fagetaboutit”. No cheese down that tunnel! Read More→
Love=Rejoicing in the Otherwise
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Alright, I can wrap my head around the understanding part; we were raised differently, schooled differently, believed differently and all that. I can understand that we’re different. But rejoicing in those differences? That’s another subject altogether! You (Nietzshe) can afford to be philosophical about all that. I mean, after all, you get paid to theorize about such things. I wonder though how you feel when your partner takes your carefully squeezed and rolled tube of toothpaste and utterly destroys all your meticulous work? Read More→
Inch by Inch….the Journey of Relationship
Posted by: | CommentsFalling in love is easy. It happens almost by accident. Building long-term love is no accident. For most of us it takes a whole lot of intentionality and the care that goes into building anything of lasting beauty. When someone undertakes a great journey, climbing Mt. Everest for example, there is a heck of a lot of forethought, preparation and training that goes into it. Just imagine the list you would come up with when considering what you’d need in order to create a mountain of love with your partner. You’d have to consider what would make them feel loved. If you don’t know, you’d have to ask(imagine that!). Then you would go about the task of becoming that person, yes, making attempts to change your good self for the purpose of becoming a better lover. Is this really so different than conquering Everest?
Remember that folks don’t succeed at that great task by themselves. They have guides to show them the best route. Probably a Sherpa or 2 to help lighten their load. Read More→
