Kate and Joel Feldman are psychotherapists who specialize in the field of Relationships. We happen to be married (25 years) and best friends for even longer. During that time we have been lucky enough to work with and train many couples and individuals seeking to deepen their relationship journey and grow themselves.
Our fascination with the world of relationships, including our own, is an ever present delight and opportunity for endless personal development, shared satisfaction and plenty of good chuckles.

Archive for Self Awareness

During our work this week with a couple trying to improve their sexual relating, I found myself thinking about some of what goes into creating a more fulfilling sexual experience. After a little while, I had the thought that these elements are not just what’s needed for a better sexual experience, but are necessary for a better relationship and even a better life!

• Breathe…

• Relax your body

• Slow wayyyyyyy down

• Get more present to your moment-to-moment experience

• Enjoy every pleasant sensation and try not to resist any unpleasant ones

• If something’s not working, stop and talk about it

• Stay in the moment and do your best to let go of future expectations or outcomes

• Become more aware of your own needs and fears

• Communicate your wishes clearly and lovingly

• Maintain a loving connection with your partner; look, laugh, share

• Let the experience unfold-delicious moment by delicious moment

Read More→

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Hi Joel,

I was wondering if you could give me any advice on dealing with jealousy in a relationship? I love my partner and for a lot of the same reasons that I love him I tend to get insanely jealous over stupid things. I’m working with myself on a lot of things in particular that seem to come completely naturally to him, but I have a hard time not getting bitter about it. I know my bitterness is misplaced, so I try to repress it and then it ends up coming out some other time, causing some completely ridiculous argument. I know that I could sit down and list all my good traits or have him point out what he admires about me, but I wish I could just get my mind to stop comparing us all together.

Hiya Dear,

Thanks for writing so honestly on a topic we can all relate to. Here are some thoughts about your situation. Feel free to ask more if needed.

Most of us partner with someone who has different skills and qualities than we do.  What they can naturally and easily do well, we may have to work really hard to accomplish, if we even want to put our energy into those endeavors. Even then we may not ever reach their skill level. Usually, we too, have areas of natural expertise that our partners may find difficult for themselves. Hopefully we don’t downplay those too much!

Sometimes, in a couple, one person is more of a “glass half empty” type (like me) and looks more at what’s missing. The other is often more a “glass half full” person, and seems to pay more attention to their wholeness. When our focus is more on “where we’re not” it’s easier to feel bad in comparison to another. “Glass half fullers” (like Kate) don’t tend to go there, at least not in the light of day. Read More→

I came across this in my in-box today, and it touched me so deeply that I wanted to share it with all of my friends. Gotta love Jim Rohn! What I believe is that it is also true of relationships, in fact you could just substitute the word “relationship” for either “job” or “income” and it would  fit perfectly. I’m interested in your thoughts about this…..what’s your experience?

One day my mentor Mr. Shoaff said, “Jim, if you want to be wealthy and happy, learn this lesson well: Learn to work harder on yourself than you do on your job.” Since that time I’ve been working on my own personal development. And I must admit that this has been the most challenging assignment of all. This business of personal development lasts a lifetime.

You see, what you become is far more important than what you get. The important question to ask on the job is not, “What am I getting?” Instead, you should ask, “What am I becoming?” Getting and becoming are like Siamese twins: What you become directly influences what you get. Think of it this way: Most of what you have today you have attracted by becoming the person you are today.

I’ve also found that income rarely exceeds personal development. Sometimes income takes a lucky jump, but unless you learn to handle the responsibilities that come with it, it will usually shrink back to the amount you can handle. If someone hands you a million dollars, you’d better hurry up and become a millionaire. A very rich man once said, “If you took all the money in the world and divided it equally among everybody, it would soon be back in the same pockets it was before.”

It is hard to keep that which has not been obtained through personal development.

So here’s the great axiom of life:  To have more than you’ve got, become more than you are. This is where you should focus most of your attention. Otherwise, you just might have to contend with the axiom of not changing, which is:  Unless you change how you are, you’ll always have what you’ve got.

Just back home after an October colors trip to the Northeast to present a workshop at Kripalu entitled Sex, Pleasure and Intimacy. We had just a wonderful time exploring the “ins and outs” of the topic with honesty, sensitivity and humor. What an absolute treat to have such open discussions about this forbidden topic. So helpful and reassuring, our common humanity on display without shame. Beautiful, biStock_000000925210XSmalleautiful people.

I was left with a desire to live my life in an even more “Tantric” way. Tantra is a form of Yoga that emphasizes the transcendent possibilities of an increase in sensual awareness. Somehow, along the years, Tantra got placed in a box labeled Esoteric Sex and wound up with somewhat of a tarnished reputation. I believe that Tantra practice in our daily lives can be a great help in awakening our consciousness.

Here’s my simplistic take on the matter. Tantra is all about drawing the most satisfaction possible out of every moment. For most of us these days, that requires a great slowing down in order to become available to experience the fullness of the moment. A terrific support in slowing down is breath awareness. Sensitizing ourselves to the naturally calming flow of breath usually helps us relax, slow down and increase our ability to focus on anything. Read More→

Categories : Self Awareness, Tantra
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stockvault_4512_200703011To be successful in a committed relationship will always require us to look at ourselves. To deeply check out my motives for acting as I did, to consider the deeper feelings that were stimulated in me and to see if I acted in the way I would have wanted to. There is no doubt that my partner acted in a way I didn’t like. It may have hurt me. It certainly didn’t meet my expectations. I can blame her all day and all night, but what will that help me learn about myself? In the end, we will both need to choose to hold the mirror up to ourselves and see what role we each played. Sometimes those roles get a bit subtle and require a good, long look. My behavior may have been unconscious but nonetheless real. Sometimes my inability to decide quickly will cause Kate to move into “fix it” mode. I may have a complaint about why she did that, but she will also say that I had a role in it as well. I then get to choose whether to go on trying to prove that I am “right” or letting her know both how I felt and what I did to provoke her behavior. Usually, if I am upset, I have to calm myself down before it’s possible to really look inside. There’s is usually something I can own. Whenever I can do that AND communicate it skillfully we both get to learn something and come back into Connection much more quickly.

Will you let go of being right and  own your part? Tell us, tell your partner, tell the world!

Categories : Self Awareness
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Mar
01

Here We Goooooooooooo…….

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This is my first ever post on our very first blog! I’m totally excited to enter into this realm of relating and sharing about how to navigate around in the often challenging waters of relationship. The technology is new for me and I just wanted to see what happened when I typed in some words and whether anyone would find them. It’s good to be a beginner in anything-a humbling experience indeed! Like being a visitor in a new land-like visiting the world of your partner…. full of mystery and quite different from your own. So, here I am, experiencing the newness and walking as carefully as I can without tripping all over myself.

If you happen to land on this site, give us a shout and maybe inspire some interesting tidbits of relational wisdom. Thanks!

Categories : Beginner's Mind
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