Relationship Guessing Games
By
You should’ve known”
“How could you not know…after all this time”
“What did you assume I meant?”
Trouble, trouble and more trouble. Expectations and assumptions….place them in the cupboard labeled Recipes for Disaster, or, to be more precise….. Love Killers. Shoulds (the S word) are like weeds that commonly thrive in even the best of relationship gardens. Dig one up, two more arrive the next day. “I mean, if I can’t expect you to come through for me, who can I?” And the answer is (drumrollllllllllll) “fagetaboutit”. No cheese down that tunnel!
The “language” of intimacy is often more like a sophisticated guessing game than honest communication. It’s almost like we’re walking around with a sign on our chest that says,“Guess what this behavior means”. Except, rather than a fun game of charades, we are dead serious about it.
Kate made some great soup the other night and served it up really hot. As is my custom with hot liquids, I sipped some so as not to burn my tongue. Her response (I could see this one coming) was to announce, “No Slurping”. Of course, we’d been down this road once or twice before and I had to smile and ask, “Why’s that?” She said, with a smile, “Because slurping is not allowed.” “Was there a declaration from the Queen that I wasn’t told about?” I asked. Yes, of course. There were many such declarations, old shoes that we drag along with us from our past. That’s cool. The problem starts when we ass-u-me that what is so for us should be the agreed upon behavior in our relationship.
The problem, as I defended, is that in my family slurping was considered normal and expected. Hmmm. I’m thinking that if we were two countries, this could be grounds to start a war. The Slurping War….nice! “To Slurp or Not to Slurp, That is The Question”!!! Yes, we must decide fast or war is certain. You’ll remind(nag) me, I’ll pretend not to hear you. We’ll both think we’re right and question why our partner is making such a big deal over such a small, small thing. (Have I mentioned that there are no small things in relationship? ) Escalate, Posture, Dig Way In. It’s war I tell ya……
(to be continued……)
9 Comments
March 22nd, 2009 at 3:56 AM
Slurping is gross and the woman is always right ! Choose your battles
March 22nd, 2009 at 11:36 AM
Ouch! Women Against Slurping unite. Uh, hello out there….am I the only lonely slurper around ??
March 24th, 2009 at 11:16 AM
Sipping is acceptable – not as noisy. Am looking forward to the rest of this article. Have been married (to the same guy) for 33 years. It’s definitely been a journey. LOL
May 12th, 2009 at 6:41 AM
Hi Joel,
I liked your soup slurping piece. My suggestion for next time this happens:
Explain to Kate that you are savoring that first taste and also enjoying the “nose” of that delicious soup and to do both there is a certain way you need to take in the very first spoonful that may seem like slurping to someone who is not a soup gourmand, much like a wine expert’s sniffing around the glass before tasting can look like a dog sniffing a fire hydrant to someone not in the know.
Keep on bloggin!
Kenn
May 12th, 2009 at 2:54 PM
Thanks for the great advice….and what, my friend, do you suppose that will get me????
May 13th, 2009 at 4:36 AM
Love this and all your musings, Joel! Can’t wait to be with you and Kate at Kripalu for the couples program. Rudy and I are primed for a weekend to focus on us. You actually talked about discovering and celebrating differences during our wedding ceremony (yes, readers, Rudy and I were incredibly fortunate to have our wedding in 1993 officiated by Kate and Joel). We are continually finding more ways in which we are different and we have learned to joke about being “perfectly incompatibly compatible” whenever these big-little difs come up. See you soon in the Berkshires!
May 13th, 2009 at 5:38 AM
Sixteen years already?! I guess we already had some hint by then that our differences would either be our downfall or our deliverance. I’m so glad you two dears are still celebrating yours. Can’t wait to see you!
May 13th, 2009 at 9:45 AM
First a disclaimer–I too slurp. I was touched by your account of the tender exchange between the curious subject and his beloved Queen. IMHO, explanations can be an inverse form of nagging…they are often about as effective. Joel, I so love your weekends for helping me stay on track to keeping my heart open and curious. Looking forward to seeing you and Kate in a couple of weeks.
May 13th, 2009 at 1:17 PM
Just the other day, working with a dear couple we have known for years, I mistakenly guessed what one of the partners was going to say. I jumped in. “Pounced” were her words. This was a big blooper in our relationship because I really hurt her by assuming I knew what was coming. We worked it out with a lot of love and me owning that I made a mistake, but I am aware how the simplest assumption or “guess” can have a huge impact.
“Why”? I asked myself later, “couldn’t I have taken a breath and waited?”. Then I thought about all the times I guess what Joel is going to say or do and then have a reaction BEFORE I EVEN KNOW. This is another form of the guessing game: Make up in my head what’s going to happen and then have a hissy fit. Maybe he does it and maybe he doesn’t but guessing ahead of time causes me all kinds of agonies. Why not WAIT and then CHECK IT OUT?
I’m a work in progress, as the song says.
Thanks for the entry honey! IT really got me thinking.